So You Want To Rock the Bells? Here’s Your Primer.-- Local Cut

So You Want To Rock the Bells? Here’s Your Primer.

September 4th, 2008 [10:06PM] Posted by: Sara Moskovitz | 3 COMMENTS

There are two reasons to not be at MFNW this weekend, and only two. The Ducks play on Saturday in Eugene, and the Rock the Bells festival is downright crazy, and at the Gorge. So, those underwhelmed by Musicfest’s hip-hop offerings (Cool Kids, Del, Jedi Mind Tricks and lotsa our favorite locals) will find refuge on the Oregon/Washington border. For the less heady heads, WW’s hip-hop correspondent, Sara Moskovitz, crafted a rundown of acts playing that most epic of rap tours.

Name: Amanda Blank
AKA: Faux Real
Rockin’ the mic since: Like, yesterday.
Best known for: Trying to be the baddest new bitch in the game and failing miserably. Tips from Madonna or Janet could be helpful.
Best verse: “I’ll female ejaculation all over your face”.
Side Note to booking at Rock The Bells: One of these things is not like the others. What happened, every single female hip hop emcee wasn’t available this year?

Name: Pharcyde
AKA: Break up to make up.
Rockin’ the mic since: Luniz’s “I Got 5 On It” was a hit single, or 1995.
Best known for: Allowing the world to witness a full-crew emotional trainwreck breakdown and then going back on tour with just two members.
Best verse: “Ya mama’s got a peg leg with a kick-stand” tied with “Ya mama’s got an afro with a chin strap.”
Side note to Pharcyde: Please all show up (sober) and perform “Drop” or “Runnin’,” or we want our $50 back.

Name: Mos Def
AKA: Pretty Flaco or I Get Around
Rockin’ the mic since: He was nobody’s baby daddy, circa 1994.
Best known for: Baby mamma drama and a surprisingly decent silver screen presence.
Best verse: “I’d seen her on the Ave./ Spotted her more than once/ Ass so fat you could see it from the front.”
Side note to Mos: None of that preachy, CNN or sing-song shit. That means performing at least one Black Star track, damnit, or we want our $50 back.

Name: MF Doom
AKA: Faking Jacks
Rockin’ the mic since: Since he was known as Zev Love X, or 1989.
Best known for: Doom Bots. Definition: Tricking folks out of hard-earned concert ticket money by sending look-a-likes out to perform for him.
Best verse: “When it rains it sure do thunderstorm/ I got more rhymes in the summer than musty underarms.”
Side note to Doom: If we find out it’s not you behind that mask, we want our $50 back.

Name: Sage Francis
AKA: The Northwest’s most loved white rapper ever.
Rockin’ the mic since: Eminem also came into the game, or 1998.
Best known for: Holds current “Most PDX sold-out hip hop concerts” title. Deserves mentioning.
Best verse:“From up here I see Marines and hummers on a conquest/ Underdogs with wonderbras in a push up contest.”
Side note to Sage: Just don’t get crazy emo on us. It’s a party, not a wake.

Name: A Tribe Called Quest
AKA: The People’s Choice.
Rockin’ the mic since: Hip hop’s golden days, or 1988.
Best known for: Keeping it real.
Best verse: “I’m all that and then some, short, dark and handsome/ Bust a nut inside your eye to show you where I come from.”
Side note to Tribe: We love you. Here’s $50.