So it’s that time of year when your friends may be nagging you to join “office pools” for the start of next week’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament, and many of your co-workers will be skulking off for four-hour lunches next Thursday and Friday to watch hoops.
But what to do if you don’t give a rat’s ass the next three weeks whether one group of teen-age pituitary cases can beat another, but want to at least be conversational with those of who do care? Here are some do’s and don’ts, if you’re stuck watching a game:
Do complain often about how many TV timeouts there are by noting that CBS must cut away every chance it gets for ads to justify the $6 billion it paid for the rights to televise the tournament.
Do get the jump on the bathroom in a bar-ful of sports fans with this helpful bit of knowledge: There will be a commercial during the first dead ball every four minutes of each 20-minute half. In non-sports fanspeak, that means there will be a TV timeout each time there’s a stoppage of play after four, eight, 12 and 16 minutes.
Don’t be a homer and pick Oregon to go far in an office pool. The Ducks will be the state’s only school to make the 65-team field and they can be fun to watch when they’re fast-breaking and making their outside shots. But they’re softer than wet toilet paper and unlikely to stand up to any team with a big man.
Don’t feel intimidated that broadcasters somehow are imparting some secret wisdom you could never understand. Much of what the talking heads “tell” viewers can be broken down as follows:
a) How many “possessions” it would take for a team that’s losing to catch up if it made only three-point shots and the other team didn’t (i.e., it’s a two-possession game for a team if it’s trailing by six points: six points divided by three points = two possessions)
b) Describing white players as “heady.” This code isn’t hard to crack: Broadcasters like Billy Packer (see photo, left) think white guys are inherently un-athletic and must be making up for it with court-smarts. The corollary to this logic, of course, is that they believe black players are so naturally athletic that they don’t need to rely on intelligence. Don’t believe me? Count how many times broadcasters describe in wondrous tones that a black player is “articulate.”
c) In the last minutes of a close game, making sure to remind fans that Team A on offense must get a “good shot this time down” or that Team B on defense “really needs a stop here.”
This broadcaster blather will probably get tiresome quickly, so here’s the biggest “Do” — Make a drinking game out of it. Every time they use the word “possession,” “heady,” “articulate,” “good shot this time down,” “really needs a stop here,” Drink Yourself into Madness.
Read more Ducks coverage here.
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Hmmm… don’t pick Oregon to go far is your advice. Maybe we’re not talking about the same team I just saw get near 40 points up on USC before emptying their bench?