Hey, there. It’s me, your occasionally friendly WW theater critic. Good to see y’all again. I gotta say, I haven’t had a whole lot to do this summer. It’s been a long few months since I last saw a decent show, and the endless weeks of community theater and lousy musicals just aren’t doing it for me. So what have I, a professional audience member and unapologetic snob, done to stay entertained for the last two months? I watch what might just be the worst game show on television: the Simon Cowell-produced America’s Got Talent.
I know, I know. It’s the bizarre baby brother of American Idol, hopelessly kitschy and most likely rigged by Ben Silverman. The British producers seem determined to force a fat opera singer into the winner’s slot. It’s probably destroying what little critical capacity I have. And yet I keep finding myself glued to the TV night after night, a glass of bad white wine in hand, unable to tear myself away from NBC’s celebration of shameless American weirdness. Here’s why:
1. The Judges Who the hell thought it was a good idea to have a show drenched in red, white and blue pageantry overseen by a despicable English tabloid editor, a foul-mouthed London music producer, and a washed-up American sex god—best known of late for his inability to successfully consume a cheeseburger—who is far more popular in Germany? Whoever it was (Simon?), they deserve a fucking medal. Piers Morgan is a thickheaded asshole, a perfect figure to focus the discontent of an audience who will—let’s face it—watch anything, and Sharon Osbourne is the perfect foil to his uptight British priggishness. Not only does she know what she’s talking about, she’s damn funny. As for the Hoff—well, we could do without him, honestly, but his bumbling does have a certain charm. However dubious their qualifications may be, these three are more fun to watch than any other of the reality-TV tribunals. Bonus: they seem to hate each other.
2. Jerry Springer Yeah, he’s a hateful purveyor of trash TV (and disgraced progressive politician), but he could kick Ryan Seacrest’s whiny ass any day of the week. AGT is the most reputable gig he’s had in years, and the guy is having a great time. He’s charismatic, shows signs of real human emotion, and manages to get through every show without asking the contestants about their incestuous affairs with trannies who love too much. What more do you want? Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
3. The Cavalcade of Losers AGT is, in its own way, far more pathetic than the myriad other TV talent shows. Not only do you get a bunch of schmucks who think they can sing or dance, but you also get the sort of weirdos with unquantifiable “talents” who just want to get on TV to show the world they matter. I suppose, if you had half a heart, you might find the cruelty of the audition process pretty depressing. But it makes me feel great. “Hey,” I say to myself, “I may make a living by pissing all over the well-meaning efforts of amateur actors, but at least I’m not this guy:”
4. It’s All-American And I don’t just mean the tricolore trappings. AGT is really about everything that makes America great. The show assumes that anyone, regardless of ability, has a shot at, if not becoming president, at least winning a million bucks and a show in Vegas. (Just look at the Hoff if you don’t believe me). It is, furthermore, a demonstration of this country’s unique propensity for getting together in small groups and doing really weird shit. If you live in a city and have access to the internet, you can find a group of willing collaborators to do anything. You name it. AGT actually gives all the fucked-up subcultures a chance to strut their stuff, flags flying, on national television. They won’t win, but at least the minority get more of a voice than they do in our national politics. You want diversity? Check out…
5. The Weirdos I can’t help it—I can’t look away. The judges don’t appreciate it, but we do. There is no other show where you can see this kind of shamelessly bizarro behavior:
See what I mean? You just can’t stop watching!
- Talent or Torture? 3 Must-Hear Blazers Anthem Auditions So yeah, t
- UPDATED: PunditWatch ‘08!: Watching the TV Networks Watch the Nation Watching Us Tonight,
- Karaoke Night: American Idol Finalists Kick Off National Tour at Rose Garden Yay? The
- Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Cree: DWTS KO is OK. It was Al
- BrakeBeat: Pedalpalooza Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop As much a
sweet jesus, ben. i saw this on earlier tonight and was like "GAAAAHHHHH" and got into the fetal position.
Ben Waterhouse’s Got Talent.