News and Culture

…And we’re back with a new episode of Scrubs, or How I Met Your Trail Blazers After Casey Jarman Came Down with the Flu.

Lots to get to tonight, but let’s start with the most pressing news: Rudy Fernandez can still have sex! At least that’s what he indicated in the locker room when kidded by an Oregonian reporter. (I won’t say who it was, but no, it wasn’t Canzano. He wasn’t around during pre-game. I assume he’s still out organizing a posse.)

Rudy spoke to a scrum of reporters about 45 minutes ago, explaining in that winsome broken English of his (squeal!) that he’s feeling much better after a night in the hospital revealed “no broken nothing.” Some TV guy asked the perfunctory “What went through your mind when you were fouled?” question.

“In my mind was pain,” he said. So there.

Lots of ramifications for this matchup with the Mavs, even if we weren’t trying to figure out if Nate’s gonna play Batum at guard, if Jerryd Mothersexualrelationshavin’ Bayless has recovered enough from sickness to play, and if the Blazers can play every game like it’s a Lakers game. (By the way: Suck it, Singer!) The Utah Jazz lost in Atlanta earlier this afternoon, which means that if the Blazers win tonight, we’ll not only have sole possession of first place in the Northwest Division, we’ll move back into pole position for a home playoff series. Also I’m supposed to be sitting next to ESPN’s Jim Caple, though he’s not here yet.

First Quarter

Blazers start sloppy, and so does the fan behind me, a growling fellow who is showing signs of having consumed several of Oregon’s high-quality microbrews. “Let’s play some ball!” he screams instructively. 10-6, Mavs.

Well, this has nothing to do with Rudy: Dirk Nowitzki is dominating the paint.

Now that’s how you defend a fast break: Nic Batum races up from behind to swat a layup off the glass. Or you could send somebody to the hospital. I answer this question one way; people from Los Angeles answer it another. Tomato, tomahto.

Drunk Guy Behind Me has taken to calling Dirk “asshole.” Dirk hits his foul shot anyway.

The thought occurs to me: What if he’s not even drunk? What if he’s just a moron?

End of first quarter: Blazers, 25-24. Steve Blake is 3-for4 on three-point attempts.

Second Quarter

Jim Caple still hasn’t arrived at his assigned seat. I was looking forward to asking him about Rick Reilly’s now-defunct Twitter account.

Since the Mavs are on an unfortunate run right now (leading 40-32, causing the Possibly Drunk Moron to refer to this as “HIGH-school ball!”) I’d like to change the subject and remind you that the Portland State Vikings are, as we speak, playing for a second straight NCAA Tournament appearance. You may recall my adventures with Jeremiah Dominguez from last spring. No, not those adventures. I missed out on the alleged beatings. I still don’t think Jeremiah did it. He’s a very tiny man. If it had been a kneecapping, I’d believe it.

Blazers shooting exceptionally cold. Down by 11. Jarryd Mothersexualrelationshavin’ Bayless is mugged on the baseline; no call. The refs take some personal satisfaction out of screwing him out of calls, I’m convinced.

Just realized I’m sitting two seats down from the Dallas radio announcers; they’re enjoying this game more than anybody else in the building. (”Jason Terry is on FIRE!”) Brandon Roy just hit a wild three and we’re still down by 10 at the half.

Halftime: Mavs, 54-44.

Third Quarter

Steve Blake opens the quarter with a jumper from behind the backboard. Dirk answers by beating the shot clock with a fadeaway of his own. He has 19. This has the makings of a bad loss. 61-48, Mavs.

Blazers’ failure to crash the boards in this game is just pathetic. B.Roy just came out of a scrum with a hard-earned turnover, though — the refs courteously ignored his foul of Jason Terry. Back to within 7. And PSU’s up by one at halftime! Beat ‘em up, Jeremiah Dominguez! (Is that a poor choice of words?)

The loudest cheer of the night goes to a fan holding up a “Get Well Soon, Rudy” sign illustrated with Peeing Calvin micturating upon a Lakers logo with Ariza’s name under it. Not to be that guy, but the crowd does know that beating Dallas does more for our playoff odds than beating L.A., right? Can we has chalupas now?

Loudest cheer eclipsed when LaMarcus Aldridge absolutely posterizes Eric Dampier, then B.Roy flips in a little roller. Both three-point plays. Three-point game.

Everybody’s hating on the refs: First Travis Outlaw (who probably should have gotten a technical for arm gestures), then Dirk. The poor refs aren’t trying to screw anybody. Except Jerryd Bayless.

Dampier hits a buzzkill three, then B.Roy responds with a gravity-defying three-point play that I think was also Dirk’s fourth foul. The stat sheet will in no way begin to reflect how badly Portland has been outhustled on the boards. Drunk Asswipe knows, though. “Work the boards!” he cries. Will no one heed the cries of Drunk Asswipe?

End of third quarter: Mavs, 74-67.

Fourth Quarter

Jason Terry IS on fire, by the way: 7-16 shooting, for 18 points. But Blake strips him in the lane, and passes to Outlaw for the layup over Dirk. Timeout, Dallas. Blazers within three again. Crowd going crazy. Bring in Rudy!

BLIND ITEM! What Blazers All-Star tried to get Travis Outlaw’s attention in the pre-game locker room by shouting, “I’m tellin’ Mama!”? Hint! His name rhymes with “goy”!

You probably already know this, but Nicolas Batum has strained his right shoulder. And we’re down by 7 again. Mavs, 80-73.

Joel Przybilla scores off an Outlaw airball. “Now we’re cookin’ with gas!” screams Man Who Does Not Understand This Game. Actually, we’re cookin’ with luck.

And yet… We’re down by just four, Dirk’s sitting, Devean George just went to the locker room limping: Isn’t now the time for a run? No. It’s time for a Jason Terry three.

Portland State Vikings up by nine with 8 minutes to play. I hope the ESPN radio announcer yells “They’re dancingon the Park Blocks in Portland!” again this year. I love it when the ESPN people try to make catchphrases out of info they’ve read on paper.

86-84, Mavs. Blazer ball. Timeout. Turning point? It is if you came for the T-shirt cannon!

Steve Blake passes up a wide-open three for… an off-balance Outlaw shot. Then Dirk drains a tough-as-nails jumper. That feels just about fitting for this night. 88-84, Mavs. 1:03 to play.

A staggering series of events: Travis Outlaw strips the ball from Jason Kidd at midcourt, covers it up on the floor, passes to Blake, who passes ahead to a wide-open… Maverick. (It’s Antoine Wright, the Mavs announcer informs me.) Then Dirk with ANOTHER dagger.

Love me some Channing, but he’s not the guy you want putting up the desperation three. That’ll do it. Fans streaming for the exits.

Outlaw knocks down a three off the glass, which delays the inevitable. Huge missed opportunity tonight. Missed, I might add, on the defensive boards.

Final score: Mavericks, 93-89. Drunken Asswipe now yelling somewhat quieter, but completely incoherent. Look what you’ve done to him, Trail Blazers! You broke his heart. And his liver.

1. Rudy Fernandez: The Spanish Reaction Rudy is an
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This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 at 7:14 pm and is filed under Sports, Trail Blazers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.